Seeing 33...

I’ve been wanting to get back into blogging for a while now, but just didn’t have the time, opportunity or really the excuse to jump back in. But I figured today, my 33^rd birthday, would be the perfect chance to put some things out there in the hopes that somewhere, it helps someone who is struggling.

Celebrity deaths, while tragic, usually don’t affect my day-to-day life. You talk about them, read the media stories, and then days later it floats off into the universe as “wasn’t that sad when” and “so-and-so was such a great _______.” When I heard about Robin William’s death, and learned it was a suicide, it struck a chord in me, it gnashed at my insides because I too know what that battle is like.  Depression is no joke. It is a constant battle to pull yourself up out of the darkness and knowing that most days you’d just rather spend your time there because it’s easier. It consumes you, it’s like a cartoon cloud where it’s dark and gloomy and raining right over your head, and everyone else is in the sun.

I know because I’ve been there, I’ve lived in that darkness and I’ve struggled and fought to stay out of it. I still struggle daily with sometimes crippling anxiety that manifests itself in a myriad of ways.  And I’m not saying I’m Robin Williams, but I mask so much with humor, with jokes and silliness and yet there is always that lingering sadness behind my eyes when I look in the mirror.

Looking back to 16, I had some dark, dark times. I think if I were there looking forward, I didn’t know if I’d make it to 33, to where I am now. There are times I wanted, even tried, to die. The darkness is that strong. It defies lifestyle, feelings, and logic. It doesn’t care that you’re rich, smart, funny, or successful.

I read a great article yesterday about what to say to someone suffering with depression. It can be found here: http://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/emotional-health/what-to-say-to-someone-with-depression-00100000129559/. I was sooooo lucky that while I was in my darkest hours, I found someone who listed, who was there, who helped me find help that I needed. And they weren’t a medical professional, they were a friend, and still one of my best friends today. It takes that one person who is present, who takes the time to listen and not judge, and I know I might not be here today if it weren’t for them, so thank you.

I’m so glad I made it to 33, and I hope I make it so many more years. I still struggle, I don’t think anyone is ever really truly out of the woods. But I see so much promise now, know so much more happiness and know that if I need it, I have a great support system there to help. If you need help, and don’t know where to turn, don’t hesitate to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/) 1-800-273-TALK.